“Eliza-sama, feed the horse over here~!”
“Alright, I’ll feed him.”
A group of children of a similar size to myself were running everywhere carrying fodder in buckets.
As one of those children, I added a lot of fodder into the bucket in my hand and headed towards the group of horses that had been pointed out to me.
The buckets are heavy, and the horses move around as they pleased, so I won’t know which horses haven’t been fed if I don’t hurry. It was winter, but this work made me sweat. However, this job was strangely pleasant, and enjoyable.
“My Lord, are you alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
Theomer had come to check up on me, and I’m sure I must have looked terribly childish as I nodded at him. He smiled wryly and left without saying another word.
The mental shock that I had received from Radka and Lady Hortensio had left my feelings messed up, as if a storm had passed inside me.
It’s shameful to have someone else say more, but I couldn’t stand it. Especially if they tried to treat me purely as a child like Lady Hortensio did. I felt that something inside me would definitely break and I was simply growing more and more afraid.
Most of the residents at the Golden Hill Mansion now felt terrified. I know that I’m mentally unstable, since I mistrust them and fear them. It shocked me so much that my immatureness was coming to the surface.
So, I’ve decided to run away from it. In layman’s terms, I ran away from home.
I couldn’t abandon my job. Therefore, I ran away to the tents where the new residents were living, next to the hill, for this winter.
I return to the mansion in the morning to work, but I finish all the highly important and prioritised documents at once and leave at noon. It was a really half-assed way of running away.
I was originally planning to devote my afternoons during winter to practicing martial arts and training the army rather than work, so there wasn’t any particular problem with my workload. The only difference was that I returned not to my room, but to the tents on the next hill, after I left the barracks.
This is of course, just an escape. I understand this well.
Still, some things change when the environment changes. The chances of encountering Lady Hortensio and Radka, the people who I’m finding difficult to meet right now, have decreased, and the feelings that had me on edge will cool down a bit.
――― I’m sure some of these problems will be resolved in time, as long as my emotions and age are the cause.
Yes, I have concluded that my inner immaturity is caused by the fact that I’m mentally a ‘child’.
By spending time with children who are the same age as me, I was able to look at my own strangeness objectively. Or perhaps, it would be more accurate to say that I had to confront my own immaturity and insecurity.
I have memories of a woman from my previous life. I followed those memories and tried pointlessly to be an ‘adult’.
But that woman and I are completely different people.
My reasonings did come from those memories. It’s also true that when my ego as Eliza wasn’t established yet, I used those memories as a substitute for my own personally. But those memories belong to the woman in my previous life, and I’ve never experienced them. I am disconnected from her feelings and will. It’s impossible for my mentality to grow by following those memories.
We were born and raised differently and even the world we live in is different. The way we perceive things, what makes us happy, what makes us feel pain, ――― everything about us is different, so why did I become an ‘adult’ by following her memories? I didn’t even realise that, and my mentality didn’t grow as much as it should have.
I pretended to be an adult because of those memories, even though I was supposed to ignore them. What a contradictory and foolish thing to do, now that I realised it.
My life among the Sill Tribe children is passing peacefully. When you’re at peace, you’ll be able to discover yourself.
I’ll admit it. My mentality is still childish.
I’m even younger and more inexperienced than the Sill Tribe children, with whom I have come to spend my days. I was born and live as Eliza, and I haven’t lived for eight years.
On the other hand, the memories of my previous life, which I had inherited by some mistake, made me look like an adult, and I misjudged myself according to those memories. My ugly and distorted interior spread confusion to those around me.
Radka sees me as an adult and as his guardian. Earl Thelesia treats me as a responsible adult. And yet, my mind was too immature to respond to them.
And Lady Hortensio who tried to treat me as a child. To be spoiled by her is like throwing away all my responsibilities. It’s an act that would stop me from standing on my own strength. My sin will never allow me to do that.
It took me nearly three years to realise that. It was beyond foolish.
The only reason why I was able to admit this without mocking myself was because of the children. They know I’m the feudal lord. But they understand that I’m just a child, and they gently confront me with that fact.
… Well, even if I recognise this, it’s going to take me some time to sort out my feelings so that I can accept it.
“Eliza-sama, are you done over there?”
When I managed to feed all the horses that had been entrusted to me, a girl the same age as me, who had probably been waiting for me, called out to me from behind.
It’s already been half a month since I was allowed to sleep and wake up in the new citizens’ tents. I’m staying in the tent where the Sill Tribe orphans were staying.
“Yeah, I’m done.”
“Then, that’s all for today. Let’s go get something to eat.”
She grinned and grabbed my hand, and we returned to our tent. When I first came here, I got lost all the time since the tents looked the same, and since then, someone has always held my hand as I walked.
“Here’s a rag and a change of clothes. If you don’t wipe your sweat away, then you’ll catch a cold, so make sure to wipe it off, alright?”
“I know. I’ll be fine.”
The children in the tent basically treat me as a ‘newcomer’. The children were amused by my unfamiliarity with the Sill Tribe’s lifestyle and took care of me.
It was really interesting to see the older children, as well as the younger children, act as if they were my older brothers and sisters. It must be quite refreshing to take care of someone when they’re the ones who are usually taken care of.
I felt relieved by the carefree nature of this situation.
The clothes I was given to wear were the Sill Tribe traditional clothes. The tunic and dalmatica that I usually wear were also unique to the Jugfena region. There wasn’t much difference between the two, but the Sill Tribe clothes had more vivid embroidered patterns, and there were more patterns of animals, such as birds and horses, rather than plants.
I carefully wiped my entire body before putting it on. I didn’t need the girl to tell me that I had to wipe my sweat properly; it had already been drilled into my bones during my three months at the barracks.
The felt tunic felt very different from what I usually wore, but I was getting used to it now.
The girl must have known that I had finished changing since she peeked out from the partitioning screen. She walked up to me while putting her shoes on and skilfully fastening her tunic.
“Hey Eliza-sama, what are you going to do today?”
“Today… I have training with the army.”
The sun has already passed in mid-air, so Gunther should be coming to pick me up at the entrance of this simple village.
“I see. Your work as the chief, right? Good luck.”
I nodded at the girl’s encouragement and creeped out of the tent. I was hit by cold air that made my face hurt. It wasn’t cold since my body was on fire, but anyhow, it was chilly.
I put my hand to my mouth to warm up the tip of my sore nose and let out a white breath, and then the girl creeped out of the tent and wrapped a felt cloth tightly around my neck. Is this a scarf? This is something that doesn’t exist in Arxia.
“Wrap it around your neck properly. It’ll be a disaster if the chief catches a cold.”
“Ah, I’m… sorry.”
I usually say my apologies, but then remembered that the children didn’t understand this, so I rephrased it. They only knew the word ‘sorry’. They tilted their heads in confusion when I had first said my apologies.
“The only time you can say sorry is if you really do catch a cold. You should say thank you at times like these.”
I laughed a little since the girl had said that quite proudly.
When did I forget something so simple? Like the girl had said, it was quite strange to say sorry when someone wraps a scarf around my neck.
“Thanks.”
“Yes, good girl.”
The girl smiled and patted my head. I finally smiled.
――― To sum it up, running away from home is also my way of starting over as a ‘child’.
I glanced up at the Golden Hill Mansion, which stood on the next hill.
I felt as if a child with black hair and red eyes was looking down at me from a window with an expressionless white face and muttered a wordless ‘sorry’.
It might have been Radka… or it could have been an illusion of ‘me’, a silly child who was shackled and didn’t know what to do.
I handed Radka to Lady Hortensio. I gave him permission to go in and out of the barracks, let him practice and attend lectures, let him come and go from Elize’s room, whether he wanted to or not. That was as much freedom as I could give him. I wanted to give him the status of a mere child who was living at the mansion.
As long as I, who wishes him to ‘be like me’ , isn't there, ――― and he isn’t a feudal lord or a noble, then the adults and soldiers will treat him as a child.
A child with black hair and red eyes. A precocious and clever child. A child who knows my sins.
I had certainly tried to keep him close to me because I tried to get him to replace Kamil.
But I’m sure I had wanted him to become another ‘Eliza Kaldia’ from the beginning.
I wanted him to be another me, so I felt betrayed by his relationship with the nun, because it was out of my expectations.
As expected, that was ――― too arrogant of a wish.
“… But I can’t let him go. ――― I want him to stay here as my family at least.”
I couldn’t abandon him even though I didn’t need him. Only ‘family’ fitted that definition.
I don’t mean family who are related by blood, but a relationship that was more uncertain and warmer as recognised by the woman in my previous life.
Like a family. If possible, I would like us to be like siblings one day… I wonder if it’s too greedy of me to hope for that much.
It started to snow outside the window. The timing was bad since I’ve almost done with today’s work.
As I removed the reading stone that had been placed on my paperwork, in place of a stone weight, and pulled out the next documents I needed to look over, I stared at the chunk of glass in my hand while thinking.
This piece of glass was a luxury item and was clear and had few impurities. This one small chunk was far more expensive than a single windowpane. I suddenly had a good idea.
“Eliza-sama, what’s the matter?”
“Ah… nothing. It’s nothing, Lady Marechan.”
She spoke to me, and I dropped the reading stone into my sleeve, feigning that nothing was going on. Luckily, she hadn’t noticed anything.
Lady Marechan tilted her head as she stared at the reading stone in a daze, but she didn’t seem to care much and returned to the paperwork she had been doing.
She will officially work under me as a civil official in Kaldia next spring. She will still be tutoring, and will be getting paid for both jobs, her new job will correspond with the job she’s currently doing. Even now, she was assisting me with my job, while also carefully correcting Elize’s essays.
I turned my gaze back to my own work. I scanned over the few remaining reports and applications from the army and created a simple summary from the important details and signed it. Then, I drew up an order form and other documents to go with the summary and signed that as well.
All that was left to do was to submit all these documents to Earl Thelesia. If there aren’t any discrepancies, then it will be authorised.
After punching holes into the relevant documents and threading a string through the holes, today’s desk work was finally over. I stretched, but my back didn’t make a sound since I had kept my posture and my small body was flexible.
“Are you done?”
Lady Marechan came to my side while pulling the hem of her dress loosely. She had never worn a tunic or dalmatic, the regional outfits of Jugfena. She always wore a plain coloured dress with a stand-up collar.
“Yes, in good order. How about you, Lady Marechan?”
“I’m also done.”
Lady Marechan smiled back elegantly, but her expression suddenly clouded, and her gaze dropped to the stack of papers in my hand.
“… Excuse me Eliza-dono. About the other Elize-dono… Is it really a good idea to stop teaching her?”
I nodded my head in return to her question.
“I’m currently living in the new citizens’ tent.”
“Yes, I’m aware of that…”
“I come back to the mansion for my work… This means that I’m giving up my position as the feudal lord and a noble, except for when I’m doing my job. I can’t keep Elize tied up in a position that requires education while I’m acting like this.”
Lady Marechan shook her head slightly at my explanation. It sounded as if I was giving up.
“But, give her lecturers if she wants them.”
Lady Marechan should have not known anything about the quarrel between Radka and I, but she looked at me as if she had something to say. But in the end, she lowered her gaze without saying a single word.
I’m sure she wanted to tell me to do something about it. Even if she didn’t want to say that, she probably wanted to ask me what was going on.
But she won’t tread into the topic.
Lady Marechan entered this house as a tutor. Of the numerous workers in a household, the tutor is the only person who will move onto the next house once her service is over.
Therefore, she doesn’t tread onto the problems of the residents of Golden Hill Mansion. That became much more obvious when more people started staying at the mansion.
Hence, it seemed really ironic to me that I now feel most at ease beside her in this mansion.
“Ah, welcome back Eliza-sama!”
“I’m back.”
On the days when I wasn’t participating in army training, I would return to the new citizens’ tent at noon to eat lunch, and do the work assigned to the tent that I was staying at, before returning to the mansion to practice martial arts again.
“Eliza-sama, aren’t you tired from working?”
“It’s started to snow, aren’t you cold?”
“You’re a little wet! Come closer to the stove.”
As soon as I entered the tent, a few of the children inside instantly walked up to me. One of them took my hand as soon as they spoke to me and pulled me to the central stove.
“Oh, it’s alright. Rashiok gave me a ride today.”
Although Rashiok had finally stopped growing, he was taller than a warhorse. My small and young physique didn’t allow me to straddle him, so I had him wear a saddle even if he hated it. I don’t know if I’ve grown enough to straddle him with a saddle on, or if this means that I’ve gotten better at it than I was a year ago.
“Raishok is a draconisha, right?”
As soon as I mentioned the word ‘Rashiok’, the children started buzzing. I think I only talked about Rashiok during my inspection, but they had remembered him.
“Yes. But we call them draconis in Arxia.”
“Is he still here?”
“Yes. He’s waiting outside of the tent.”
The children seemed very interested in Rashiok, and they shouted in joy when I pointed at the entrance of the tent.
“I want to see him!”
“I knew you would say that. It’s cold outside, so I’ll call him inside.”
“Okay!”
I smiled because their eyes were brimming with curiosity and my heart felt slightly warm. Their straightforwardness was radiant, and I felt very jealous of them.
That was the kind of personality I couldn’t have. Neither could Radka, who had a distorted upbringing, or Elize, who was born sickly.
Their image overlapped with Claudia’s. She’s a straightforward girl, which was unimaginable for a noble.
Then I suddenly realised. I felt a little uncomfortable around her when she had first come to this fief, to the extent that I felt exhausted from each and every one of her actions.
Thinking back, maybe it was the flipside of being envious. I will never be like these children, nor will I grow up to be like Claudia.
I’m so glad I left the mansion.
I envy them. But now, I can honestly admit that they’re different from me, and that I can never be like them.
I’m sure that I need to know myself to get rid of my distorted mind.
――― And so, I’ll learn how to become an adult on my own. I will learn how to be an adult not from adults, but from children my own age.
I called Rashiok into the tent. The children timidly, yet cheerfully surrounded the draconis.
“――― Wow.”
“It’s alright. He’s like a horse or sheep. He’s a good boy as long as you don’t do anything terrible to him.”
I smiled wryly at the children who had frozen from the overwhelming pressure of their first time seeing a draconis, and stood next to Rashiok first and rubbed his nose. Rashiok was perplexed since he wasn’t used to being surrounded by this many children, but he sprawled on the spot in the meantime.
“Eliza-sama, can I touch him?”
“Rashiok doesn’t have fur, he has scales, so pet him gently.”
“Y-yes.”
A few of the older children timidly stepped forward and touched Rashiok in turn. They were being very cautious.
“Wow, he feels so slick.”
“He’s not like a horse at all.”
The other children concluded that Rashiok wasn’t dangerous, so they began approaching him and reaching their hands out. They have been brought up with livestock since they were young, so they got used to him after a while. I’m not sure if it was because their touch felt safe, but Rashiok began to relax.
Some looked at him curiously, some continued to pet him as if they liked the feel of him, others were fine with just glancing at him, and some were satisfied with keeping their distance.
I grabbed the reading stone from my pocket and called out to the children who had lost interest in Rashiok.
“Say, do you guys know what snow looks like?”
“Huh? Snow?”
They all looked at me blankly and I felt a little excited. I nodded my neck and they shook theirs. Someone even said, “Doesn’t it look like grains of dirt?”
“Let’s go take a look.”
“But how? We can only see drops.”
“I’ve brought my secret tool.”
I said, then held out my palm and spread my fingers. I couldn’t help but laugh when I used the word ‘secret tool’ and let the muscles in my cheeks do the work.
“What’s this? Wow. It’s like ice.”
“It’s not. That’s probably glass?”
“Why does Eliza-sama’s hand look funny?”
“You’re right. It looks bigger. Oh, are you going to look at snow with this?”
I nodded at the child who seemed to have understood the gist of what I had said, and the children’s eyes began to glow with curiosity again.
“I want to see!”
“Yeah, me too! Let’s go outside.”
The children nodded in unison and each began to wrap their scarves tightly around their necks. Even though I didn’t really need one, since we were only going outside for a little while, the most caring girl quickly wrapped a scarf around my neck too .
We creeped out the tent after we wore warmer clothes, and even though not a lot of time had passed since I got here, it had already gotten dark and the snowy clouds were hanging in the sky. It was dim around the tent and the snow on the ground was only dimly lit.
The children circled around me this time. I laughed a little, remembering how they had surrounded Rashiok earlier, and caught the falling snowflakes with the palm of my mittened hand.
I put the reading stone on top of it. Now then, I wonder if the snowflakes in this world are also shaped in hexagons like flowers. I stared at the chunk of glass in my hand and saw beautiful snow shapes, just like I had envisioned.
“I can see it.”
When I held out my palm to the children, they all looked at it with interest, and then all got excited.
“Awesome! Cool!”
“What?”
The adults peeked out from nearby tents in curiosity when they heard the children’s screams and yells.
“You know, snow is amazing. They look like flowers.”
I suddenly got happy when I saw the girl’s expression as she proudly explained this. This hexagon shape apparently did look like a flower.
“Where, where? … Oh, you’re right. This is the shape of a snow grain? That’s amazing.”
The man, who had peeked at the reading stone as he said this, patted the girl’s head and praised her. Oh, I see. So, it’s better to pat someone’s head when you praise them?
I remembered that I had never touched Radka when I had shown appreciation for his efforts. Children should be praised like this. I now realised my mistake.
The man patted the head of the nearest child for a while, then looked at me in confusion. I took a step back and he dropped his hand in hesitation. He looked as if he was about to open his mouth to say something, but his gaze quickly returned to the children.
“… Don’t catch a cold.”
The man chuckled softly, then returned to his tent.
I watched him silently and someone suddenly patted my head from behind.
“Eliza-sama. Wow, amazing.”
After that, all the children came running up to me and started patting me on the head. I was squeezed and squished from all sides and thought, it’s a bit like a push and shove game.
“Hey, it’s nearly time for lunch!”
A child, who had stayed where Rashiok was, peeked out from the tent and said. The children cheered and walked towards where the food was cooked. As usual, someone held my hand, but there were too many children around me today, so I didn’t know who was holding my hand. I could feel the high body heat through my mittens on my left and right.
“――― Ah, it’s warm when everyone sticks together.”
Someone noticed and said, then the children decided to move in groups like this from now on.
Today’s lunch was pumpkin potage with sprulpa and a yoghurt-like substance called mamiya.
I’ve never had fermented dairy products or anything like that in Arxia. At first, I felt like I was ‘eating something precious’ every time I put it in my mouth, but I’ve already gotten used to eating it, since it was served once every two days.
Sprulpa was made of roasted, ground black rye powder, which was kneaded with butter, or butter tea, and had a very simple taste. I liked eating these things since they had textures that weren’t present in a typical Arxian meal. It seemed like the pumpkin potage would have a nice sweetness to it if I added sugar to it.
As I was munching on my food, the children around me started to chatter about their plans for this afternoon.
“You know, today, the adults are going to teach the army soldiers how to take care of their horses.”
“Oh, even I know how to take care of a horse.”
“Eliza-sama said that the people of Kaldia don’t raise horses much, right? They’re like the farmer kids.”
The ‘farmer kids’ are the orphans who are staying in the next tent. The nomadic children and the farmer children have very different jobs and lifestyles, and it was impossible for the two groups of children to live together in the same tent under the current tent management system.
The children nodded at each other in agreement as they had remembered that it wasn’t necessary for others to need horses like they do.
However.
“It’s not the same. The army is the King’s soldiers.”
One of the children sitting behind me sharply remarked.
“They are lowlifes since they can’t become warriors. Don't compare them together.”
“God, why’re you saying that, Aslan?”
The children around me rebuked him in frustration and I turned around and looked at the child who had remained silent.
The child, named Aslan, had blue hair and was looking down sullenly. There was a shadow around his eyes, and yet there was a strong light in the depths of his silver eyes which looked similar to light cyan.
He hardly approached me, so I couldn’t match his face with his name. I see, so he’s Aslan.
“Aslan’s mum, you see, is from the Jugal clan, but his dad was a farmer.”
The girl sitting next to me must have noticed that I was staring at me, and quietly explained this to me. She glanced at Aslan and continued hesitantly.
“When we started fighting more with Densel, Aslan’s father tried to become a Jugal warrior. But only men from the Sill Tribe families can become warriors. So, he couldn’t fight at all, and the Densels killed him along with Aslan’s mum…”
“… I see.”
I thought it was a sad story.
There was a clear distinction between those who can fight and those who couldn’t in the Sill Tribe. Fighters, who are called warriors, are given two horses, which are community property, and are trained in the art of spears and bows from an early age. The requirements to become a warrior vary slightly from clan to clan, but they all have one requirement in common: the person must be a male from the clan.
The Jugal clan is a clan with male lineage. Aslan’s father came from a different clan, so he couldn’t become a warrior no matter how much he wanted to.
Now that I knew about Aslan’s situation, there was one more thing that bothered me. I spoke to the girl who was about to return to her meal and asked her a question this time.
“… What did he mean by lowlifes?”
From the flow of the conversation, he was probably talking about someone who wasn’t born into the Sill Tribe ――― and was probably referring to the farmers. But I didn’t feel like there was that big a gap between the Sill Tribe and the farmers for him to call them by a discriminatory title.
And now that the Sill Tribe have moved to Kaldia, they had to abandon their nomadic lifestyles and follow the lifestyle of farmers. They couldn’t afford to discriminate between people’s origins.
“Ah… Well… A long time ago, the Sill Tribe were the King’s spears (Muchaitrel) and protected the kingdom, so they had a higher status than the farmers.”
The person herself didn’t seem to understand her answer, but I understood the origin of the word ‘lowlifes’ from what she had said.
The King’s spear was a noble rank in Artolas; they were words used to describe a ruling class. It was the remnants of a status in Artolas when it had existed.
I put down the sprulpa that was in my hand and stood up. I could see the girl next to me blink from the corner of my eyes. I ignored that and walked up to the Aslan boy.
The eyes of the children were naturally drawn to me since I had stood up alone. Aslan didn’t realise that I was standing in front of him since he was looking down.
“Aslan.”
His head jumped up when I called out to him. His silver eyes widened in surprise as he looked up at me.
“What…?”
“I heard a little bit of what you said before. Did you say ‘lowlifes’?”
Aslan nodded nervously. He looked confused since he didn’t understand why I was talking to him.
“Don’t use that word again. Both the Sill Tribe and the Cellions are now… my people. There are no differences between them. They are all equally commoners under the Arxian King.”
I explained in a slightly stronger tone; pointing out that while there was a being who was above them, there was already no humans below them. Perhaps he understood that he was being scolded. Aslan muttered reluctantly, “I understand” while frowning.
… “My people”, this was the first time I had said those words. I didn’t say this to point out this fact to anyone, but for the sake of the people. I said it so he wouldn’t be trapped in past social status, and degrade himself among those he lives with.