Golden Hill Mansion, a traditional stone building, was built before my great-grandfather’s time, and was quite cold in winter. The coldness in the rooms pierced through the bone without a fireplace, and the walls and floors were cold too.
Naturally, the dungeon, which wasn’t equipped with any heating equipment, was extremely cold. There were also small holes which lead directly above, for ventilation, which made the dungeon even colder than the storehouse during winter.
The winter draft was strong, and the unreliable fire in the dungeon flickered weakly.
I wrapped my thick fur cloak tightly around my body as I went down into the dungeon, then there was a crash, and the iron bars shook.
“What’s the matter? It’s noisy.”
“Let me out of here! I beg you! I’m going to freeze to death…!”
The mournful voice pleading from the other side of the bar belonged to a slender man, one of the two prisoners held in this cell since summer. He was shivering, unable to protect himself from the cold in his thin clothing. His blonde hair was a shadow of its former self; dirty and turning a murky shade.
“Shut up… Don’t beg for your life…!”
From the depths of the cell next to him, the other man feebly did his best to draw out a weak yell. It seemed especially exhausting for their older age. Was he exhausted because I tormented him more than the other man? He was the first to be interrogated, an alleged noble who spoke fluent Arxian, and also seemed to be the leader of the bandits.
I watched them in silence without answering either of them, then the blonde man shouted back at the next cell in frustration and impatience.
“Shut up! If you want to die that much, then die alone! I don’t want to freeze to death…!”
“You… have you forgotten your loyalty to God…!?”
“I haven’t!”
The man punched the bars. After being captive for a long time, the man’s will finally succumbed to the life-threatening winter cold.
“Hey, I’ll tell you anything… and everything… save me, let me out of here…. My feet, my toes are hurting so bad…!”
Severe pain in the toes probably meant frostbites. They weren’t given shoes, so their toes seemed to have frozen before their fingers. Seven days had already passed since snow fell and the temperature dropped rapidly. The areas where he has frostbites are probably already completely dead.
“… I see. Yeah, alright. I’ll let you out if you give me information. We’ll even take a look at your feet.”
I think I let out a terribly coaxing voice. Unusually, the edges of my lips lifted up on their own.
“Really?!”
“Of course. Honestly, we can’t take care of people who keep silent forever.”
The blonde man shouted with joy while the other man groaned in anger.
“How are you taking care of us!? This…!”
“Shut up!”
“You shameless bastard!”
I watched in silence as the men, who had lost all their will, shouted at each other. It didn’t seem to be an act. I called out to the soldier, not bothering with the two men, and let the blonde haired man out of his cell.
“Valon! DON’T GO!! VALOOON!!!”
Finally, the dungeon door was closed with the man’s pleading cries behind us.
I ordered the soldier to drag the blonde man, Valon, to the imprisonment room at the army base, and then climbed the stairs to call for Rashiok.
I finally found Rashiok lying in front of Radka’s room on the third floor and slumped my shoulders. Why is he here…?
I was going to have Rashiok witness the interrogation. The blonde haired man wasn’t used to large beasts. The mere presence of Rashiok was enough to frighten and fluster him.
But the loyal Rashiok wouldn’t move from in front of Radka’s room. The beast, who was much bigger than me, wouldn’t budge no matter how much I pushed.
Of course, I wanted to avoid coming into contact with Radka. It was only natural since he had laid his emotions bare and rejected me clearly; I couldn’t think of what to say or reply to him if we met.
I already knew why he couldn’t keep up with his emotions. I knew but couldn’t do anything about it.
Rashiok cleared his throat in exasperation as I glared at him.
Although draconises were intelligent beasts, they don’t have complex thoughts like humans do, and their emotions are simple. His eyes were genuinely telling me that if I don’t want Radka to hate me then I shouldn’t do anything that would make him hate me.
I cussed him in my mind, fucking bastard. Since memories of my past life have come back to haunt me, such crude words have come to my mind more often than not on impulse. The draconis, who I was cussing, didn’t seem to care and his long tail which looked like a snake shook side to side as he laid down in the corridor.
Why don’t I just stop trying to take him with me? His presence in the interrogation room isn’t essential. The man had already lost enough of his will and had begged for his life from the cold. I let go of Rashiok and turned my heel, thinking that I would be able to shake the man up a lot by telling him that I would put him back into the cell.
… At that moment, I fell to my knees and hit my face onto the corridor floor.
I felt intense pain and heat in my nose. I wasn’t injured since the floor was carpeted, but what hurts, hurts. Above all else. I felt a terrible pressure from my back. Rashiok had placed something on my back. It was probably his head. He held the hem of my cloak in his mouth, making me fall down and was pinning me down so that I couldn’t move. This guy.
When I held my nose and looked up, I could feel a warm liquid running down my nose. I had a nosebleed.
“… Rashiok.”
I let out in a low voice, but the weight on my back wouldn’t go away. I knew it was useless to struggle, so I quietly put my sleeve to my nose. Clothes are expensive, but carpets are even more expensive.
Then, a small figure came up the stairs. It was Radka, carrying a book under his arm. What good timing.
“Huh… Hah?”
Radka looked confused before anything else.
It was understandable. In light of my usual behaviour, it was hard to imagine me lying in the corridor, holding my bloody nose with a draconis leaning his head on my back.
“… Hmm, what are you doing?”
“What do I look like I’m doing?”
I answered dumbfoundedly, and Radka rushed over to me and tapped Rashiok on the head. Then, finally, the sluggish weight lifted off my back and disappeared.
This bastard. I cussed Rashiok once again in my mind. This was his goal from the beginning.
“Ah… Let’s stop your nosebleed for now.”
Radka opened the door to his room with an indescribable expression on his face.
There was a bed, writing desk, containers and a shelf that held a bunch of papers and books. I haven’t entered his room for the past year, but it was as empty as before, except for the addition of a shelf. It wasn’t a surprise since I hadn’t given him any money or furniture. However, as I sat down on the bed and looked around the room, I felt the room looked dreary since it was big and wondered if I should at least put a sofa in here.
“Here, hold your nose with this cloth.”
Radka’s mouth was turned down at the corners as he took care of me. As soon as he saw me putting pressure on my nosebleed with my dalmatica sleeve, he took a scrap of clean cotton cloth from the first-aid kit in the corner of the shelf, handed it to me and opened the window slightly to let the air into the room.
I sat quietly for a while and my nose stopped bleeding. The pain from hitting my face onto the floor had also receded. I know that Rashiok will probably do the exact same thing again if I leave now.
I hesitated for a while, then decided to play it safe.
“… How is Elize-dono?”
“Oh, she had a few seizures today. She’s sleeping right now because she’s tired. She was so happy that she hadn’t had that many fevers in this past year.”
Radka had no work to do while Elize was sleeping. Apparently, he spent that time reading, and he came back to his room to put the book he had finished back onto the shelf, and get a new one.
As Radka said, Elize often fell asleep with a fever due to her lack of strength when she had first come here, but since she came to Kaldia, she was gradually able to move, perhaps because the climate here was better. Therefore, I frowned when I heard that she was getting more seizures.
“The doctor seems to be keeping an eye on her for now, but Elize-sama doesn’t seem to think that her illness has gotten worse.”
“Give her the encouragement she needs. I’ll also visit her when I can.”
Elize’s seizures are greatly affected by her mental state. The weaker she is, the more seizures she gets.
“Please do. She’s been complaining that you haven’t gone to visit her ever since I was placed there.”
“… I see.”
I was avoiding Radka, not Elize, but it was true that I avoided going to her room because Radka was there. I told myself that I was too busy to visit her, but I felt awfully guilty when her words were conveyed to me.
I nodded, unable to say anything, and Radka stared at me with dazzling eyes.
“… You’re not using the masculine way to refer to yourself anymore.”
His voice sounded strangely cold. I looked back at Radka in surprise. His expression faded and he seemed to have frozen.
“That’s…”
I didn’t know what to say. Radka’s dark red eyes stared into my red ones, as if trying to read what was on my mind. The coldness of his eyes took my breath away.
My instincts whispered to me, I’m sure those eyes are more like mine than anyone else.
“I know that you weren’t expecting gratitude from me when you didn’t kill me. That’s why I’ve always been thinking. I wondered why you would go to the trouble of educating me and keeping me by your side. You were obviously spoiling me. You probably still are, since you haven’t killed me yet, even after all you’ve said and done.”
“…”
“But at the same time, you also want to control me. That’s why you killed ‘Radka’. You wanted me to be someone other than ‘Radka’, right?”
“No.”
I declared as my voice trembled. I knew what Radka was trying to say. I was dimly aware of it, but I’ve blocked it out for the past year.
“I don’t think I’m wrong. Somehow… you’re trying to turn me into Kamil.”
The back of my throat froze. I wanted to tell him to stop talking, but my voice wouldn’t come out.
“You wanted me to replace him. So, you were friendly towards me and tried to keep me close.”
My head was burning. All sorts of emotions were raging out of control. My eyes flickered in front of me.
He knew. Of all people, he knew what was going on inside of my mind even though I didn’t want to see it.
“―――”
An inaudible voice leaked out from my tightened throat. It was from my left wrist that I had unconsciously clenched. I felt slight pain as the thin chain dug into my skin from inside of my clothes.
“Say. What do you think of me? … I’m always thinking about you. I think about you to take my hatred out on you. I think about how to kill you when you show up in front of me. I think about what you’re thinking about when you let me live… Don’t you think it’s unfair?”
Radka bit his lips.
“I was kept alive for your convenience, but you didn’t give a single thought to my convenience.”
He was absolutely right.
Every time he spoke, his expression changed to one that seemed to be enduring pain.
“… You didn’t even listen to what I had to say. It’s not like I was trying to deceive you at that time. I just didn’t know what you were upset about, and I was just trying to calm you down first.”
Hah, Radka sighed and looked up at the ceiling. Then, he sat down on the chair at the writing desk, as if a thread had been broken.
“I don’t know if you want to keep me alive or kill me. I also don’t know if I want to live or die… anymore. I don’t want to die, but I think it would be better to die than have you kill off ‘Radka’ and live as your puppet…”
His voice was full of emotions. This was the first time I had heard this voice from him.
Why…
Why am I making such a small child say these things to me?
I hung my head down. I couldn’t look at him because I felt too pathetic.
“… I’ve been thinking about it all this time. But I really can’t… become a puppet like you want me to… Sorry.”
Why? Why are you apologising?
I’m the one who owes you an apology. The reason why you threw that stone at me, and the reason why I forced you to live and deprived you of your freedom, ――― everything was because of my sins. Now I felt like I understood why I was so outraged.
Perhaps, I had selfishly felt betrayed by him.
That’s… that’s ――― certainly arrogant of me.
“… I can’t cast you away even though I certainly don’t need you.”
I wanted ――― to cut off my ties with Radka. The relationship that had started off in a bad way and twisted by me; I wanted to cut it off.
So, I had to say those words, which were fatal to the both of us.
“I wanted to need you because I needed to take responsibility for killing you, and making you live. I wanted to make you special to me. I wanted you by my side, not because I couldn’t kill you, but because I didn’t want to kill you.”
But it was impossible. Even if I forcefully treated him like how I treated Kamil, our relationship would only change on the surface.
Because of my attitude, we both hid our distrust for each other and couldn’t understand each other, ――― no, our relationship was much worse; he was the only one who tried to understand me and compromise.
How could I, the perpetrator, force Radka, the victim, to understand?
“I can’t kill you. How many people suffered ――― because I live? How many people were tortured and died? How many deaths and sins have I overlooked?”
Those were my sins, which Radka had pointed out clearly. Those were my sins against the citizens. Silence fell. I stood up powerlessly and dragged my wobbling body to the door where Rashiok was waiting.
“I see. So that’s the reason…’
A muffled voice came from behind me just as the door was about to close.
I eventually went to the interrogation room where that man was waiting alone, unaccompanied by Rashiok.
When I interrogated Valon based on what I had heard from Claudia and Gunter, who had interviewed him beforehand, the man spoke without suspicion, and gave immediate replies without contradicting himself.
He said that some of the bandits, including himself were followers of the Western Alfena Church of Lewa, and that it was the Western Alfena Church who had given them orders.
Furthermore, some of them were nobles from Densel Dukedom.
He said that they had come to Arxia to fulfil the orders of the church.
They were to meet a woman named Deiferias, who was waiting for them in Agren fief, and help her.
They had purposely advanced through Jugfena to cause a disturbance in order for their comrades to safely meet up with Deifarias.
They stopped at Kaldia because it was the most desolated fief in Jugfena, or rather because it was the most ruined fief in all of Arxia, and they thought that they could escape from their pursuers here.
He said that the rest of the bandits were actual bandits and were employed by them.
According to him, the woman named Deiferias had contributed a large sum to the Western Alfena Church.
It has almost been four months since we’ve captured them, but never before has a proper name been spoken.
“What did Deiferias want to do with your help?”
“Who knows, I don’t know the details. But I’m certain she was going to do something in Arxia.”
Do something…? My mind was still on Nordsterm, who were acting suspiciously, and the nuns who were repeatedly coming in and out of that fief. The nuns in particular, were a danger, since they were spreading infamy about nobles and disrupting the order of Arxia.
Agren, where the bandits were supposed to meet up with the woman, belongs to the family of the current wife of the head of Nordsterm. It was natural to think that Agren was complicit in their suspicious activities.
“Then, does the Western Alfena Church want to expand into Arxia? Or do they want to destroy Arxia?”
“Of course, they want to destroy Arxia. Fantics like Ramiz believe that this nation should be destroyed, since it was built upon the heretical religion, Xia. I’m… I’m different. My parents are like that, but I joined the church because of money. After all, it’s lucrative. There are many believers, like Deiferias, who sink a lot of money into the church in hopes of bringing destruction to Arxia.”
“That’s why I don’t want to die while being associated with that ideology,” Valon spat out. It seemed that Ramix was the name of the man who was still in the dungeon. I am no longer interested in a man who will only become a frozen corpse afterwards.
Nevertheless. If Valon’s story is to be believed, then the Western Alfena Church was only a church in name, and they were a terrorist group or organisation who are anti-Arxian. They also had a lot of supporters.
“If that’s their view, then it’s easier to understand the purpose of the other believers.”
“Yeah. Other than the fanatics, the people who make donations are mostly merchants and nobles. The merchants are ones who are after Arxia’s concessions or those who deal in arms and medicine. Then there are nobles who want land.”
In other words, they would stand to profit if a war broke out. Either, the merchants would gain special procurement contracts or they’re aiming to separate the vassal state from Arxia and will invest in powerful terrorist organisations.
The nobles want Arxian land, so they will invest in terrorist organisations with spies to gain as much of an advantage as possible when war actually breaks out.
… And, a noble from our kingdom, the Nordsterms might be involved in this?
A scorching emotion bubbled in my stomach.
“But if they’re being that showy, then they should be a little more well-known.”
“The Western Alfena Church is a small church. The original church was much bigger, so it’s hiding under that umbrella.”
… Unlike the Xia Church, there are many Lewa Churches. However, all of them seem to hold a number of small churches under them, and it would be difficult to find information about the smaller churches.
I’m sure all of their major churches have the words ‘West’ or ‘Alfena’ in their names. It was impossible to find information on the churches. If all the small churches did that as well, then there were a lot of churches with the same names. Particularly if the church was small enough to only be known by the locals. It was nearly impossible to dig dirt on them.
Valon waited in silence for a while as I thought in silence. But then a thought occurred to him and he spoke, “Hey, are all the Arxian kids as creepy as you are?”
“… Who knows.”
“You don’t look any older than ten. If you had been born in Densel, then people would have accused you of being possessed by a demon, and then you would have been killed.”
“Well, being born in Arxia already makes you half possessed by demons in the eyes of the people of Densel,” the man continued.
I found myself frowning. There concept of a demon didn’t exist in Xia, but I learnt that it was a word that was used frequently in the Romur Ringworl languages, which was used in the eastern states. With my previous life memories, it was easy for me to understand the concept.
Hence, my reaction. The many deeds of the vicious Kaldia House were considered by me in my previous life as the ‘work of the devil’.
“Demon… huh.”
Then, I think of the words that I was about to tell the man. Those words will really be the work of the devil and lived up to the Kaldia name.
“I understand what you have said. I will keep my word.”
“――― Really?”
I also smiled back at the man who was beaming.
“Yes, of course I will.”
I got up from my seat, and at the same time, two soldiers restrained Valon’s arms from both sides, forced him off the chair and onto his knees. I borrowed a sword from Gunter, who was standing behind me, and held it up to the man’s throat.
“… Wah!?”
The man’s smile froze. Those were the last words he uttered.
The thin sword pierced him in the neck and having avoided his spine, the point now stuck out behind his neck. He choked as reddish brown blood flowed from his mouth onto the floor.
“―――… I forgot to mention this, but you’re already a dead man. So, the only way you were coming out from that prison was as a dead body.”
The man’s eyelids trembled slightly, and his bloodied lip shook.
His voice didn’t come out, but I felt like his lips moved and said, ‘demon’.
It’s too late now. It felt like I was already cursed when I was born into this world as Eliza Kaldia.
I hadn’t planned on letting the bandits go free in the first place. They had injured and raped my citizens. It was only natural they should die and pay for it.
“Eliza-sama, it’s time for dinner.”
I was surprised when a voice called out to me.
I’d been holed up in my room all afternoon, straightening up some paperwork, but I became too engrossed in it before I noticed.
I felt a dull sensation in my back and neck when I looked up. It seemed like I had single-mindedly done work for a long time. The candle that had been left lit for a long time, since it was dim in winter, had grown much shorter.
“Oh ―――, thank you very much, Lady Hortensio.”
Lady Hortensio stood by the door and called out to me. She had come to call me since I hadn’t left my room. It was already completely dark outside, so she had a lamp in her hand. The light from the lamp flickered in the reflection of her eyes.
“I’ll be there in a minute.”
I gently placed the quill back into the penholder to prevent the ink from splashing or spilling out and then stood up.
Lady Hortensio smoothly entered the room and put a robe on me, instead of a jacket. The temperature in the room was maintained by the fireplace and a heating unit that circulated the heated air from the fireplace, but that wasn’t the case in the corridor.
“Eliza-sama…”
Lady Hortensio suddenly spoke when I had just finished tying the cord around the collar of my robe. Smiling gently, she looked into my eyes with a gentle gaze.
“What is it?”
“You’re praiseworthy. You try to be a good lord and do your job well.”
Lady Hortensio took my hand and wrapped her hands around it. She smiled at me when I returned her gaze and spoke slowly as if she was persuading me.
“But before that, you are also a child. It’s wrong to treat yourself as an adult just because your position is no different than that of an adult.”
“… I can’t do that.”
I muttered with bitterness. Lady Hortensio’s words were warm and soft like the spring wind in a field. It slid smoothly into my dry and cracked heart.
That was why it was painful. It was terrifying. I even felt the need to remove my gaze from my paralysing thoughts.
The wood in the fireplace crackled and exploded.
However, Lady Hortensio didn’t look away from me as if she hadn’t heard me.
“No. You must recognise and treat yourself as a child.”
She declared clearly. Her eyes were still kind, but they were also powerful. That was what scared me.
“Eliza-sama. When Earl Thelesia gave me this job, he had certainly instructed me to treat you as an adult. But you are a child. Nothing can change this fact. I believe that the reason why you are suffering so much is because no one… and most of all you yourself, will recognise you as a child.”
“… Please stop.”
The back of my teeth grinded together.
There was a presence at the back of my head screaming that I mustn’t listen, that I mustn’t let this woman say anything else to me.
I had trouble breathing. I felt as if I was being strangled by soft cotton.
“It’s unfortunate that no one in this mansion has ever raised a child. So, they don’t know how to make things easier for you.”
Lady Hortensio spoke in a friendly tone. She wrapped the hands that were holding my hand around my shoulder.
No. Don’t say anymore. A scream gushed from the back of my mind.
I want to run away from here. I thought but couldn’t move an inch. Her arms gently wrapped around me as I stood frozen on the spot, like I had grown roots. Her arms felt as if she was holding something broken.
“You’re still at an age where you can act spoiled.”
The words that had been whispered in my ears made my brain go sweetly numb like thick honey.
I could smell the soft, sweet and gentle scent of milk coming from her. My skin, which was touching the warmth of human skin, missed the temperature and wanted to melt.
If only I could relax my body and lean on Lady Hortensio’s shoulder, which was in front of me.
This is mayhem, I thought. There was a warmth here that I couldn’t resist. There was a whole different world inside and outside of her arms.
The back of my eyelids felt hot. The back of my thought hurt badly, ――― it felt hot and painful.
“… Eliza-sama? Are you crying?”
Drip. Lady Hortensio’s hand rubbed my back in comfort at the same time as the lukewarm water accumulated at the edge of my lower lids and dripped down.
“――― Please stop.”
And yet, I couldn’t just sob convulsively.
――― If you don’t want to suffer, then stand alone. Don’t make yourself vulnerable. You have too many enemies in your path.
Priestess Faris’s advice, which spoke softly of death, echoed in my mind over and over again.
“Let go of me, Lady Hortensio.”
I pressed my hand on her shoulder as I said that. I saw her eyes shake with slight surprise, then pity.
My heart was pounding so hard that it seemed as if it would burst at any moment.
I covered my eyes with my sleeve and staggered back. Lady Hortensio’s arms didn’t restrain me. I stepped back until my back bumped lightly against the desk and finally felt an odd amount of relief.
I could hear the sound of Lady Hortensio’s gentle sigh.
“… I know this is rude, but I overheard the conversation between you and the dark haired one, Elize-sama, during the day. It was through a door, so I didn’t hear everything, but… the reason why you clash so much is because you haven’t experienced enough as a child. Both you and Elize-sama.”
With those last words, her presence faded away along with the sound of footsteps. My strength drained from my body and I slid onto the floor.
My hands trembled. I trembled in fear which was different from that sweet temptation.
Why had I refused to accept Lady Hortensio’s words?
I desperately tried to stifle the conflicting emotions there were making me sob. Still, in the back of my mind, I told myself it was the right thing to do.
I’m sure Lady Hortensio was right.
But I was certain that if she were to treat me like a child now then I would be weak and unable to stand alone.
“… Kamil.”
I clenched the chain on my left wrist that he had given me. Help me, I wanted to say. Have I ever thought that I needed him so desperately since he recognised me as both an adult and a child?
――― But I’m sure that if he had been here, I wouldn’t have said those words.
I finally learnt the true meaning of the phrase ‘stand alone’.